Pretty much everything's over at the livejournal now, so go there if you want to read the ramblings of a madman.

And if you don't know how to get there, TRY HARDER. I gave it to you. =D

Let's see how long I can last.

So I just updated my Internet Explorer to version 8 and spent a good five minutes wondering whether I had just voluntarily fucked myself when I couldn't open IE (it kept closing due to some error or other). Figured out a way around it and now it's fine again though. Man that was close.

I've been spending the past couple of days with SK and/or Abby. Everytime I go out with them, I feel at peace with the world. They give me the right balance in life. It's like SK's one extreme (super nice guy to the rescue!), I'm the other (angry motherfucker) and Abby's the neutral one.

I know I can (or do) appear quite high-handed in this blog, at least as of late. That stems from me taking pride in my strengths, especially the ability to cut through the bullshit and to get straight to the heart of the matter. But I'd be the first to admit that I still have much to learn in life.

I'm too real for my own liking sometimes. Leaves me seeing misery almost everywhere (this doesn't mean I'M miserable, I just see misery), which in turn leaves me quite apathetic about most things, which then leads to me looking like someone who just doesn't give a shit about anything.

I like how I am; I would not trade being real for anything. But I am open to learning how to be less, well, 'angry' about things. Mind you, I rule out delusion and ignorance immediately. I wanna be more open-minded, not fucking delusional.

Maybe some things you just gotta choose though, I don't know. Maybe to be more forgiving I'd have to give up a significant amount of 'realism'. If that were the case I'd stick with being real, but I'd still like to absorb as much 'open-mindedness' as possible.

I need a day or two to myself to meditate a little. Not sit cross-legged on the floor and go 'ohm' kind of meditate lah, but just, you know, clear my mind.

Too few people catch up with themselves and re-evaluate their needs and wants. Leads to alot of frustration when they can't figure out why they're feeling so shitty. Alone-time is seriously underrated.

In other things, I'm gonna change the tone of my blog posts. It's slowly becoming something I cringe at when I read. I've always tried to avoid being something I hate, in whatever I say or do, and it's slowly becoming waaaay too pretentious for my liking.

I'll still complain about something or other now and then, but it'll be things that, although maybe appearing like I'm just being anal, are really scourges of this world once you put some thought to it. Not that I've been complaining irrationally, but it'll be more streamlined in the future.

Well, peace out guys.

Presence of mind.

It's a really interesting (and new) perspective to have when I realise that I'm actually the same age as the guy who scored against Villa to win us the match.

I mean, seriously. All we ever grow up with is thinking about the likes of Zidane, Figo, Ronaldinho, Beckham, Ginola, Mcmanaman and so on, performing wonders for the biggest clubs in the world.

They always seemed so far away (not geographically only lah haha); grown men playing football in what amounts to being an alien land for us. Grown men with families and careers.

Then in recent years there's been a marked increase in the number of young wonderkids, with the likes of Rooney, Ronaldo, Fabregas, Messi, Bojan, Balotelli and so on.

Still, it all seemed quite normal. They still looked like grown men with already established careers, albeit with more years ahead of them than the previous set of names.

The fact that some of these guys are only a few years older, or even the same age, compared to me always went over my head for some reason. Bojan is only one year older than me, for example! And now we have Federico Macheda, who's the same age as me (he'll be 18 in August), scoring a last minute winner in one of the biggest football leagues in the world.

Can you imagine? In some alternate reality, your friggin' classmate could be a worldwide superstar! It boggles the mind. Before too long I'll be looking at the 18-year olds coming through the system and be calling them kids cos I'll be so much older by then.

I'm old already hahahaha

I suppose I should let up abit.

It's hard sometimes, having to compromise so much. The fact still remains that I am but human, and am not all-powerful or whatever.

I, every now and then, get too big for my boots. It's like a cycle, you know? I start with my mind really open to other people, willing to give others a chance, only to be disappointed time and again, causing me to become so... angry and high-handed. Then I review my behaviour and find it thoroughly unacceptable and then the cycle begins again.

It would seem that this is something that will not change; I'll have to keep going through this cycle over and over again, hopefully getting some real results out of it here and there. It's just about the best I can hope for, really =/

I have to thank my father really, for the ability to chastise myself and to keep myself in check. He's the sort of parent who's never really satisfied with his children's achievements, always asking them to go for more. If you get an A for a test, he'll want you to go for a distinction. If you get a distinction, he'll want you to go for full marks.

It can sometimes be really infuriating and frustrating, when it seems that nothing you do can satisfy him. But at the end of the day, when everything's done and dusted, what he's done has helped me immeasurably. It has made me demand for nothing but the best, at least in things that I KNOW I can do really well in.

My mum has always been the 'softer' half of this particular parenting duo. She's the one in charge of nurturing and coddling, while my dad is the one who demands and demands. I guess parenting is all about balance.

And they sure as hell got it spot on =)

That last post was as much a commendation for AMK band as it was a damning indictment on the many people who take the awards too seriously. While it may mean that I appear an asshole for saying such things, I hope both meanings got through. What is, is, and what isn't, isn't. No delusions.

Speaking of which, I've thought about some of my thought processes and decisions of recent times, and I find myself to be extremely mechanical and robot-like. I'm a freakishly logical person, almost (if not already) to a fault.

Perhaps it's due to some things I've gone through in life, perhaps it's just how my mind is wired. Whatever it is, I find myself to be a very cold, almost unfeeling creature. Most of the time, anyway.

I, however, reject the notion that I am devoid of emotion when it comes to decision-making. I am still a human being, after all. The thing is, logic constructs my decisions, while emotions temper them, adjust them.

I know of people who make decisions based almost entirely on their emotions, then when things go kaboom they blame everybody but themselves. I try not to associate myself with such people anymore (waaaaay too tiring, and for nothing at that too), although I have interacted with such people before.

Humans are irrational due to their emotions. Therefore, to make any decisions (especially major ones) with emotion as the major factor is only asking for trouble, and when the shit hits the fan, you'd have absolutely no right to blame anyone but yourself.

Don't get me wrong though. I believe emotions, in general, are good. What makes us such unbelievably fallible creatures also makes us special. It's knowing when, and how, to use one's emotions that's the main stumbling block of so many people.

I watch the world go by, making sense of everything (and believe you me, there're many illogical things in this world) bit by bit. I might tend to generalise sometimes, but nobody minds generalisation until it applies to them. By that token, I reserve my right to generalise (although I am able to go into details).

I see the world as only a few do. It is a depressing sight much of the time, mostly due to the people in it. Which explains the choices I make, the philosophy I follow. I never mean any harm, but at the same time I want nothing to do with most people.

I am truly grateful for the friends I have. Amazing people, they are. All very human, as I am, but all not willing to take ignorance as a way of life. For that alone they deserve admiration.

I am logical to a fault. While it may be off-putting, it also means that it is easy for anyone to know what I mean. Sometimes, I might say things that sound unpleasant. But you know what? I'm right. Get angry if you must; it is only human nature. But when you finally take the time to think about it and stop being selfish and thinking of only yourself, you will inevitably find that I am right.

Now you see why I isolate myself? I don't wish to piss people off, especially since most have done nothing to deserve being pissed off. There is always a bigger picture to explain my choices and actions. No one sees it but me though, sadly.

Clarity and incision.

So I went to watch this morning's SYF for secondary school bands.

Of course, main reason was to see AMK. In the end it almost turned out to be the only reason. Every other band, save for Hougang, were thoroughly uninspired. There wasn't anything worth listening to until Hougang went up, and then AMK bested them.

Sure, AMK only got a gold, but so what? I see so many people's MSN nicks/PMs saying stuff to console or whatever. You know what, that shouldn't be the case. It just feels like these people are belittling the band's achievements. They don't need no fucking condolences; they were that damn good.

I don't even see why people would want to go to sites like sgbandfusion to see what they said about AMK. The band performed to a level where only fools and retards would dispute their quality. They don't need other people's opinions to validate themselves. The fact is there, the recordings available to anyone to listen; AMK were miles ahead of everyone else this morning.

So they got penalised for taking too much time. So what? They performed at an incredible level. If they get marked down by such chickenshit criteria, so be it. Everybody there this morning knows who played music and who just played notes.

People are so narrow-minded. The award is a big thing, yes, but the most important thing has always been, and will always be, the experience of creating music as a team.

Everyone, get the fuck over getting 'just' a Gold. Because they played great. Don't fucking belittle their achievements by getting all bogged down by the semantics. AMK was a powerhouse this morning. So don't fucking forget it just cos they 'only' got a Gold.

Get the fuck over it. The fact remains that they are a quality band in their own right.

Well done, AMK. You played music, not notes. Well done.

Well then.

Just like that my birthday has come and gone. While I don't really celebrate or even put much focus on it at all, it still feels a little sad for the day to have gone, hah. Doesn't make sense, does it?

Truth be told, and I don't know why this is the case, I have never felt the need (or even want) to celebrate my birthday. I tend to find it embarrassing, people fussing over me. All I really ask for every 28th March is for friends to acknowledge the fact and wish me a happy birthday. Doesn't have to be in any elaborate manner either; a simple sms would more than suffice.

I see no need for presents or cake. Honestly, the best present (if you INSIST on giving me one) would either be money or a free meal or something like that. Basically, something money-related. Not that I'm money-minded or anything, but it just seems the most practical to me. Helps me save, you know? Besides, most of the material things I want, I can get them myself. I don't spend much on a day-to-day basis, so occasionally splurging on some more expensive stuff (video games, a few books, etc) is well within my means. Therefore, it's just about impossible to get me something I really want if you were to buy me a gift.

Well, I'm 18 now. Qualifies me for M18 movies and videogames, as if I haven't already had my fair share of those, haha.

It's a nice number, 18. As I've said before, 18's one of those landmark ages. That alone makes this birthday that little bit more special, I guess (even if my birthdays are incredibly ordinary affairs). Pretty much opens me to anything now. 21's the next landmark, but that seems ages away, what with two more years of poly plus NS between now and then.

18. Hope I have another good 12 months ahead of me. The last 12 were quite satisfactory, even if there were some huge hurdles, obstacles and irritants along the way.

18.

18!

Abygail

Shi Kai

Tommy

Trumpets [Da Section]

Mabel

Samuel

Alter Ego

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